Scary Movie

Venus Bratsveen

The sound of chatter, laughter and friends calling to friends could be heard across the theater. It seemed every age group was represented to see the first showing of Haunted Reverie, the latest horror film by Paul and Patrice Platypus. Halloween is just around the corner. The theaters, semi-vacant for the past month were now filling up daily with horror fans, waiting for a good scare. Some would say that this is their favorite season- not autumn, but Halloween. A different scarey movie played each week of October, ensuring the theater would make up for September’s lost revenue. This second week would feature the Haunted Reverie premier which would run the rest of the month along with various other horror and Halloween based films.

The Platypuses were a Hollyweird power couple who wrote, directed or produced the best of the worst creepy films. Always dressed in their darkest Goth best, they could be seen lurking around L.A. and nearby haunts. They kept to themselves, always out and about, but never actually mingling with others. Their odd, reclusive behavior added to the creep show mystique and was guaranteed to sell more tickets at the box office. Today was no different. There was a rumor that they would appear to introduce this latest film at the premier. The theater was packed to overflowing. All manner of critter waited in the hallways, outside the box office and around the concession area for a peek at the Platypuses.

The house lights flashed twice and began to dim. Shushing could be heard around the theater as critters waited in delicious anticipation. From the left side of the stage, the curtain ruffled and two of the oddest creep-tures appeared to float across to center stage. A roar shook the rafters as movie goers shouted their approval. It was them, Paul and Patrice. The Platypuses were actually here, at this theater, making that much anticipated appearance. The house was silent as critters waited for words of wisdom. “Hello,” Paul said simply and the crowd went wild again. He glared at them and they quieted down. Patrice stepped forward. “Thank-you for that warm welcome. Tonight we share our finest work to date with you. I hope you appreciate it,” was all she said. Theater goers looked around nervously at each other, not sure what reaction was deemed appropriate for such a rude announcement. One by one, the critters began to clap, accepting that this was just another example of the talented couple’s odd behavior. They left the stage at once and weren’t seen again. The lights went down and the film began.

Ollie Owl was a serious movie junkie. He attended the opening of every film that played at this theater since he was a mere fledgling. He especially enjoyed sitting in the gallery of the theater so he could look down at other patrons to see how they reacted to whatever movie was playing. Today though, he was seated on the ground floor level, having gotten a late start on his trip to the theater. Oh well, he thought. I can still see the screen just fine. He found the Platypuses behavior to be quite peculiar, but looked forward to the show as he munched his popcorn and waited. Seated two seats over from Ollie was Roderick Templeton III, a scruffy white dog of indeterminate pedigree. He didn’t think much of the Platypuses caustic opening, having been a street mutt for years. He was used to weirdos acting, well, weird. His only concern was the hot dog in front of him and the movie to come. In front of him sat Mathilda, feline extraordinaire. Roddy, as Roderick was known to his friends, was smitten with Mathilda. She, however; was interested in only one thing- Haunted Reverie which starred her favorite actor, that swarthy, hunka, hunka named Al E. Cat. He usually played an action hero in his movies. Reverie was his breakout role as a horror genre actor. Mathilda’s little heart skipped a beat as he crossed the screen. Next to her sat Thomas, a small tortoise who poked his head into his shell every time a scary part of the film came up. He missed most of the movie but was glad he came as he truly only had eyes for Gertie, the hot little number guinea pig sitting in the row in front of him. Her fur was long and shiny and her cute button nose twitched fantastically at every flash and gory splash on the screen. Someday, thought Thomas, I will get up the courage to talk to her. But not today, he mused as he quickly popped his head back into his shell. Will this nightmare of a movie ever be over? Gertie watched the movie fervently. She delighted in the gruesome, exhilarated by the madness and overwhelmed by the finality of the monsters frothing faces. She was a true horror aficionado. Petite, quiet, little Gertie was an absolute freak. Who knew? As one gory and gruesome scene after another played out, she noticed the couple next to her. She met Seymore and Yvette L’Otter once before. Where was that, she wondered. They clung to each other throughout the film causing Gertie to speculate why they would come to such a dark movie. Maybe they didn’t know it would be this scarey. The L’Otters were a French Canadian couple who generally enjoyed outings and definitely never missed a pool party. They were fun-loving and easy going and were often party favorites, encouraging others to loosen up and enjoy the day. This gawd-awful movie was definitely not their cup of tea. Neither touched the lemon-vanilla slushy drink they looked forward to at the concession stand. Watching as the film unfolded they whispered to each other that it was like watching a car crash. You just can’t pull your eyes away from it.

Ollie found the movie to be predictable and chose to watch it in its entirety with his head tilted 90° to the side. Ah, that’s better, he thought. Finally it’s interesting. Roderick found the plot to be thin and the acting poor. Graphics were ok, he guessed. But luscious Mathilda, now that’s a show worth watching. She seemed to be in a trance whenever that ridiculously buff, terrible actor came on screen. What on earth does she see in that dolt, he mused? He noticed Thomas left after the first twenty minutes, head low, eyes downcast. Poor fool has got it bad for the fluffy rat girl, he laughed to himself. Mathilda barely blinked throughout the whole movie, he noticed. Wait, is rat girl drooling? I think she really likes this trash. There’s no accounting for taste, I guess. Seymore and Yvette left shortly after Thomas. Feeling like that was twenty-plus minutes of their lives they’d never get back they wiggled over to the ice cream shop where they ran into Thomas who was trying to console himself for being a coward. Before long the trio were laughing at the stupidity of the movie and enjoyed their ice cream tremendously.

Meanwhile, back in the theater, the movie ended to a smattering of applause. What a disappointment, most critters thought. Soon the theater was filled with laughter and discussion. Roderick plucked up the courage to talk to Mathilda. “What did you think of the movie?” he asked. She paused for a moment before answering, “Well, I must say it wasn’t my favorite. Thank goodness Al E. Cat was in it. That was the film’s only saving grace.”

“Seriously? You liked that big phoney?” Roddy asked. Having little experience with women, poor Roddy had no idea that he made about the worst comment possible. Half his half harrumph, Mathilda turned up her nose and stalked off. “What did I say?” Roddy asked innocently. Ollie caught the exchange as he was almost as interested in movie goers as he was the movie itself. He laughed and told Roderick the best way to lose a girl is to tell her that her idol is a talentless hack. You can kiss that one goodbye. Why don’t you try another line on the guinea pig. She was really into the movie. Tell her you loved it and see what happens,” Ollie wisely advised. “Naw, that one scares me a little,” Roddy replied.

One by one theater goers filed out of the movie, discussing the film’s merits, however few there may be. The Platypuses, hidden in the shadows, listened to the grumblings and fumed at the reviews. “What do they know of talent?” Patrice spit out. Paul was equally insulted, never having heard such derogatory comments on his work before. Many of the film goers walked to the ice cream shop or pizza shop after the movie. For the Platypuses, this was a disastrous evening. For everyone else, it was entertaining, educational or the start of new friendships. Such is the life of critters.