TELEMARKETERS AND SCAM ARTIST

I don’t know about you but telemarketer and scam calls set me on fire.  That’s why I was probably the first one to sign up for the “Do Not Call” list.  Well maybe not the first, but close.  I have Caller ID so my answering machine records 800 calls and if they are a legitimate call the caller will leave a message.  One day my phone rang as I was passing through my kitchen and glancing at the phone I thought I recognized the 800 phone number as that of my c-pap supplier so I picked up.  Expecting to hear a bright, chirpy, young thing’s voice I hear a male voice, heavily accented with a Nigerian persuasion.  Now I get real testy when I hear SCAM calling.  The conversation went like this:

Hellllooo.

Mrs. Dezone?

No.  

No?  Who ease these?  You are Mrs. Dezone, are you not? 

No.  Who is this?  (Now I know that I should have hung up but some part of me had had enough and I was instantly edgy and testy so I became snarly).

Mam, these ease Jerome.

Who?

Mam.

Speak up I’m hard of hearing.

These ease Jerome from Systems Check.  Mam you need to turn on computer NOW.

How do you know that I have a computer, John?

It’s Jerome, mam, everyone has computer.  You must—

Now Jim, not everyone has a computer so if I say that I don’t have a computer am I the only one?

Only one what, Mam?  These ease Jerome and I need——

Only one without a computer.

You need to turn computer on now, eet ease in danger.

Danger of what, Jim?

It’s Jerome and your computer has leetle virus.

Beetle juice?

NOOO, VIRUS!

Well Justin, I’m sorry to hear that you have a virus.  You really must take care of yourself.  Why are you calling?

Mam, eet ease Jerome——

How do you spell that, Justin?

It’s Jerome —— ju, ju

Oh, are you Jewish?  I said how do you spell Jerome?

I AM NOT JEWISH.  MY NAME EASE JEROME.  YOU MUST TURN COMPUTER ON NOW.

Oh dear, Jorge——

NO, EET EASE JEROME——

Just a minute, Jerry, You don’t have to shout at me.  I said that I was hard of hearing not deaf.  Do you know the difference between hard of hearing and deaf?

EET EASE JEROME.

Do you spell that with a J E W, Jew jew jew or Gue gue, gue ,gue?

I SAID TURN COMPUTER ON NOW.  

Now, now, Jeff, do you know that shouting like you’re doing raises your blood pressure?  That is not good for you with your virus, especially in people from your country.

These ease Jer - Whaaa - What country?  I’m from these country?

No, you’re not!

Yes, I am!

NO, YOU’RE NOT!

YES I AM! Eet ease Jerome.  I am from Sys—

Whatever, Jared, so tell me one more time why you are calling me?  Why you think I have a computer and what was it you said I should do?

Mam, my name ease Jerome, from Systems Check.  Everyone has computer.  You need to turn on computer NOW because of the virus which will destroy eet.

John, did you just tell me to turn on my computer immediately?

Eet ease Jerome!  Yes, Mam!  Turn it on.

Not in your wildest dreams, Buckoo. 

I hung up because I was running out of steam, couldn’t keep up the momentum, and I couldn’t think of any more names that began with J off the top of my head.  I called the Better Business Bureau and asked if they had received reports of this scam.  “Only about 50 or more in the past two days.  It’s been around here for about a week now”.  I told the person who answered about my conservation with the “J” man and he said, “I think you are having way too much fun.  The poor guy has probably suffered a stroke by now”.  “Well, that’s the chance these guys take when they place these bogus calls,” I replied.  I asked him if he had anymore 800 numbers I could monitor.  He laughed and said in the future refer the number to the Better Business Bureau and he said “try to stay out of trouble”.  I like that guy and his name didn’t begin with J.  I have not answered any more 800 calls without letting the answering machine pick up.  I don’t know what kept me going because I can usually keep cool but some spirit needed some levity that day and was responsible for putting words in my mouth.  As for the “J” man sometimes I wish he would call back so I could find out how he fared and if he had anymore conversations with a person who was just passing through her kitchen.