Hansel and Gretel lied

My name is Elvira Hokum but more frequently known as the Wicked Witch. I know the history books report Hansel and Gretel’s version of what happened in the deep dark woods on my property, but they lied. I want to set the record straight and tell what really happened.

Hansel and Gretel had been at my house for about a month, but managed to find their way back home and reported everything to the local newspaper. But it isn’t true. This is what happened.

Hansel and Gretel are brats who manipulate, deceive, and lie and everyone believes them because they’re so cute. They said their step-mother hated them and took them deep into the woods and got them lost, hoping they would die.

That isn’t true. They were such brats at home and wouldn’t do anything their step-mother asked them to do. She was exasperated with them. She decided they should do a little work. She took them into the woods to help pick berries, but they ran off. They wandered farther and farther away from home until they were hopelessly lost.

They came to my house which is beautiful. It’s made of gingerbread decorated with the most delectable candies you can think of.

Being the brats they are, they started breaking pieces off my house, stuffing candy in their mouths and destroying the trim around my windows and door. What kind of people do that? Why vandalize a person’s house for no reason at all?

I came out of my house and told them to stop. They said, “What’s it to you, you old woman? What kind of crazy person would build a candy house and think nobody would eat it?”

That made me upset, but I invited them in so I could feed them properly. That’s not what they told the newspaper. They said I captured them, pulled them inside, locked them up in cages, and planned to fatten them up so I could eat them.

What a lie that was! First of all, I asked them nicely to come inside and have some healthy food instead of candy. I’m a little of a health nut and wanted them to eat nutritious food. I’m a vegetarian and would never want to eat them, and I was afraid they would be unsafe if they went back out into the woods again. I would try to help them find their way home again, but I’m agoraphobic and didn’t want to leave my house.

I locked them in my house for their own safety and offered them plenty of healthy food so they wouldn’t go outside and eat the candy off my house. This made them mad. They wouldn’t do anything I asked them to do. They refused to eat my good food. They plotted to harm me and I was a bit afraid of them. One day when I was ready to bake a pan of bread, I checked the temperature of the oven. They snuck up behind me and pushed me into the oven. I fell and was badly burned, but was able to get up. When I managed to stand, I found they had disappeared out the window. Because I was afraid to leave my house to go after them, I just let them go.

About a week later, the police showed up at my house and arrested me. They took me to town and charged me with kidnapping, assault and planning to commit murder. It was all a lie, but nothing I said made any difference. Everything Hansel and Gretel said was believed. Because of the blisters on my body—which Hansel and Gretel claimed was caused because I was so clumsy—the court felt sorry for me.

I was taken back to my house and told never to leave again. That was fine with me, because I never wanted to leave in the first place. The court never made the children compensate for the vandalism they did to my house, nor did the court believe anything I said. That’s what happens when children lie.