This is the tale of the squirrel and Mary Franks' walnuts

I am a gardener. It is the only way I’ve found to be partners with God.

Women and God partner up to produce additional human beings. After a brief DNA donation, men only get involved when the offspring wants to know how to throw a curve ball or borrow the keys to the car.

So I garden. God does the heavy lifting by producing sun and rain. I get to plant the seeds and keep out pests. Weeds are endemic. I get my daily exercise hoeing and pulling the leafy intruders that hide in my rows of beans and lettuce.

Animal pests are a greater challenge. I have been fairly successful in keeping them at bay, but a current court case has me concerned.

Mary Franks had a walnut tree in Spokane Valley. She gathered enough nuts to fulfill her needs with enough left over to share with those who had no walnut trees – until squirrels moved onto the neighborhood. The squirrels claimed ownership, called their friends and relatives and made off with all the nuts for three consecutive years.

Not being one who gave up without a fight, Mary Franks used parts from her electric horse fence and rigged a charged barrier around her tree. Squirrels, being somewhat smaller than horses, were electrocuted when they grabbed the wire. It looked like there would be ample nuts for hot fudge sundaes until an eagle-eyed passerby saw some of the executed rodents hanging from the electric wire and called the SPCA (Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.

I decided 25 years ago that it was them or me.

The over-zealous investigator decided to prosecute in order to protect the bushy tailed thieves. He even refused to allow removal of the tree because it had become the food source for the raiding rodents. Mary Franks goes to court this week. I see this as an open and shut case of people who should mind their own business. I root for Mary Franks even as I wonder how this will affect me.

We have pocket gophers in our area. If left unmolested, they tunnel down my rows of potatoes, taking random bites as they go. My family is not big on pre-tasted vegetables, so I have to throw away all of the tubers with teeth marks.

I decided 25 years ago that it was them or me. I bought some special traps and set out to eradicate the underground marauders. It worked. I still have a transient gopher or two per year, but I wipe them out before they find my potatoes. The traps are specialized, and I volunteer to assist my neighbors with any gopher problems they might have.

My methods are not nearly as humane as an electrocution, and I’m sure the little burglars suffer a painful death. What if someone new to the neighborhood sics the SPCA on me? Will I be liable to a $10,000 fine per gopher?

Mice are yet another predator. I grow popcorn to make cornmeal. Regular corn has oil and gums up my grinder, but popcorn works great. Last year I dried the ears in my shed, and the mice thought it was for them. I closed up the containers as best I could and put bait stations in strategic locations.

There is no question that consumption of D-Con results in a ghastly demise. Will the SPCA drag me into court for causing suffering in mice? How about the birds? They prey on my fruits and berries. I gave up on my cherry trees, but I cover my strawberry patch with netting, or, like the gophers, the birds hop down the rows and take bites out of each berry. I don’t kill the birds, but will the SPCA prosecute me for depriving the raiding robins of their food source?

I hope the judge in the case of Mary Franks vs. bushy-tailed bandits has both a sense of humor and a sense of fairness. The case should be thrown out and both the nosy neighbor and the SPCA should be ordered to pay her legal fees.

Someone should start a Mary Franks defense fund. I would contribute.

Frank Watson is a retired Air Force Colonel and long-time resident of Eastern Washington. He has been a free-lance columnist for over 19 years.