Declaration of a non-candidate for president of the United States

After long and careful consideration, I have decided not to run for President of the United States in 2020. I realize this may come as a disappointment to my supporters, and I will leave my future options open, but the timing is just not right.

This should not be construed to mean that I am not qualified. Admittedly, I don’t know how to use Twitter, but I could learn.

Joe Biden stated that he is the best qualified American for the job, but the only thing he does better than the average citizen is find the White House bathroom. I have known second-grade teachers who are much better motivational speakers. I had a tour of the White House once but would still need a guide to find my way around.

Hillary is gearing up for another round. That’s a scary thought. I’m not sure she would beat Bernie in the primary this time. She surely wouldn’t beat Elizabeth Warren.

After all, Elizabeth Warren has Native American blood coursing through her veins. Not much, it is actually barely detectable. I wonder how many of us who have been in this country nine or more generations can trace an ancestor back to Tecumseh.

Washington Gov. Jay Inslee announced he is thinking about throwing his hat in the ring. While he is thinking, he organized a political action committee and is planning a national speaking tour at the expense of Washington taxpayers. He says it is to tell Washington’s story. I didn’t realize we needed our story told.

Although I believe I am as qualified as any of the early hopefuls, I would be a lousy candidate. I have no skeletons or juicy secrets that would spice up coverage of my campaign. I am still working on my first marriage, and I haven’t been involved in any shady business dealings.

Harry Truman was the last candidate as boring as I am. Not only do I find myself bland as a candidate, I am absolutely unsuited as a politician.

I am not rich. Unlike most successful politicians, I don’t have deep pockets to get me through the early stages. My savings resembles Mrs. Hubbard’s cupboard.

Even worse, I can’t lie with a straight face. I have tried. I have practiced in front of the mirror with friends coaching me, and still can’t pull it off.

I have had some limited success answering questions other than those asked, but find it extremely difficult. It would take years of practice until I would be able to ignore direct questions and beat around the bush until everyone forgot what the question was in the first place.

Successful politicians are masters at redirecting attention when something goes wrong. I am simply not innovative enough to come up with multiple ways to blame someone else for my mistakes. I just can’t get the knack.

If I were to become a candidate, I would have to drag my whole family with me. That would be unfair. Remember Colin Powell. He was recruited by both parties after Desert Storm but declined because of the strain it would put on his family. Lastly, my ego isn’t big enough to exaggerate my credentials at every opportunity.

Not only do I not want to be a candidate, I don’t want to be President.

Why would anyone want to spent four years with every reporter in the free world analyzing your private moments? I can’t imagine needing a cadre of armed guards everywhere I go.

I wonder if the presidential detail has separate bathrooms in the White House. Do they check to see if there is poison in the toothpaste? I know my first lady wouldn’t allow guards to follow her everywhere. She won’t even let me go shopping with her. The White House press corps would not be welcome before breakfast.

The only reason to run for President is an appetite for power. I have all the power I need in my TV remote.

I harbor some hope that there is someone out there who cares about the country more than self. Although I feel I could do as well as most of the current batch of egocentric candidates, I simply can’t do it.

If, however, you are determined to change my mind, you can send contributions in care of this paper.

Frank Watson is a retired Air Force Colonel and long-time resident of Eastern Washington. He has been a free-lance columnist for over 19 years.