Sometimes you'd like something a little less serious in crime reporting

Some may disagree, but crime reporting in Cheney, Airway Heights and Medical Lake really is kind of “blah.”

It’s got to be a sign of a jurisdiction’s size. First, to have police reports in the first place, even if on a weekly basis. Spokane has police activity up the ying-yang, but we seldom read about it unless someone gets shot, stabbed, blown up or busted with a lot of chemicals.

For smaller cities, it’s third-degree thefts, driving while license suspended, domestic violence (which is very serious and not funny, make no doubt), residential burglaries, found property and an occasional urinating in public added in. It’s important to know, but doesn’t leave a lot of room for the juicier stuff

For that, you’ve got to go smaller. I’m not talking about the “dog bites man” but jurisdictions so small, it’s “man bites dog.” We’re fortunate to publish smaller papers, including my hometown’s The Wilbur Register, which includes reports from Lincoln County Sheriff’s Office.

So, for instance, April 15: “Wilbur Police found a runaway 10-year-old girl who told her mother she was ‘tired of living in Wilbur,’ and her dog in a parked car in the 300 block of SE Railroad.” I experienced similar feelings my junior year in high school, and know where she hid out, but who’s car?

April 16: “A Davenport resident advised that pigs and chickens were continually found on his property on Aspen Lane.” A Cheney Free Press editor advised the resident if they keep showing up, get more freezer space.

April 18: “Two men managed to avoid a physical confrontation after verbally sparring after one opened the door for the other at the Sprague post office.”

This reminded me of those two, cartoon rodents. Remember? “Oh, after you.” “Oh no, I simply couldn’t. After you.” Oh no, no, no, no, it wouldn’t behoove me to go before you, after you.” “Oh but I insist, I would feel so dreadful if I did. Please, after you.” “No, no, age before beauty – after you.”

“My, my who are you calling old, you insufferable nut-chomping rodent? After you.” “Well if I’m insufferable, you’re obnoxious, so after you, damnit.”

Yeah, I can see how it went.

April 23: “A Wilbur woman told local police she felt threatened by a man who said he planned to bring members of his family to a local residence.” I’d feel threatened if it was the family in those Hopper ads too.

But finally, this from the same date: “A caller said she noticed a vehicle that passed her on SR 174 near Wilbur was being driven at speeds of 90 to 100 miles per hour by a man with his feet while standing up through a sunroof.”

I had a high school friend who used to attach locking pliers to a nut on the steering column of his Chevy Impala while driving. Then, innocently, he’d ask the passenger if they wouldn’t mind taking the wheel for moment, and when they said “Sure” he’d yank the steering wheel off the column, hiding the fact he was driving the car with the pliers, and hand it to the startled passenger.

Not only did I have to go home and change my pants the first time he pulled that on me but also I buried them in a deep, deep hole. It was funny though, at least for a while, until one friend practically caused a wreck crawling onto Brent’s lap attempting to jam the steering wheel back on.

Deputies caught the foot driver on SR 2 near Rocklyn Road, leaving me to wonder if Brent was still around.

Not that there aren’t thefts and domestic violence happening in these smaller towns. Unfortunately there are.

But sometimes, I miss “man bites dog.”